It's complicated
by Sarxdan
Summary: Roxas, a pathetic teenager who hasn't had his first relationship and been rejected 5 times. He then realize there isn't any reason for him to live anymore. But he didn't expect that someone wanted him to continue on with his life. AkuRoku, Suicide. Rated M for later events.
1. The Introduction

_**AN: So, this is my first fan fiction ever. I've never written anything like this so please don't be mad at me if it sucks...**_

_**Thank you for reading my fan fiction and enjoy! ^^**_

**The introduction**

'Ok'.

_Is that all you can say? Ok!? _All I could do was nothing but sigh. _Great. 5Th time in 4 years._

So. You want to know what has happened in my life? Well, It's complicated.

It started on the 13th of March. The day of my birth. The only one there was my mother. Aerith Gainsborough. My father, Cloud Strife, left my Mom and me when he heard she was pregnant. He left us to be with his lover, Tifa Lockhart. But then again, I've always had my grandfather Ansem, or Ansem the Wise. I've always been his favourite and he's always been there for me.

A little while after I came to earth, mom met a man named Vexen. He was crazy. Literally. He reminded of a crazy scientist. And of course, they had to make a psychopathic little baby. My baby brother Sora. He got his father's crazy behaviour and my mom's hair colour.

Then we have me. Roxas Gainsborough. 13 years old and in the middle of the fucking puberty. I live in Radiant Garden and go to Radiant Garden High School (creative, right?). I got my father's spikey, blond hair. I love music and games. I am pathetic and I haven't got a girlfriend already. 5 girls have said no to me in 4 years and I got the same reaction every time. "Ok." I mean, am I really that bad? Am I so horrible?

And now this last girl I had my crush on, Namine, has apparently become ridiculously popular with the guys. They cling to her like she's their new, cute, little puppy. They've never been interested in her before. But when I started liking her, everybody did. Then I thought _ok, it's now or never_ and I told her I loved her. Of course, her answer was _ok_.

I could feel all of my depressing feelings back from my old school when I was in a depression. It all came back to me. I put on my gigantic headphones and started to play an old playlist from my phone. It was all just screaming. That my-ears-are-gonna-blow feeling felt good. I turned the volume up. 'I'll watch you choke on the heart's you break. I'm bleeding out every word you said. Go to hell for heaven's sake.' It was all just heaven to my ears.

The rest of my evening just disappeared. I think my mom wanted me to come out for dinner, but I didn't feel like eating. After a while of killing some zombies I looked at the clock. _Oh fuck! It's 2:34am! _I took of my clothes to just underwear and laid down in my bed. My bed that made it feel like you were lying on it, but with no mattress.

I looked up to see my roof and thought about my life. My pathetic life. And then, I came to a conclusion.

_I should take suicide._


	2. A Normal Day

_**AN: Woohoo! Time for the 1st chapter! I'll try to update at least 1 time every week. And I would really appreciate reviews so you can get better content from me.**_

**A normal day**

"Roxas. About yesterday." She walked towards me with a bit of shame in her eyes. "I... I didn't think you liked me that way." She kept coming closer. Closer than usual. "And I thought you were just playing a trick to me yesterday. But then I thought about it. I realized that you were telling the truth." She was now so close that I could smell her wonderful shampoo. "I love you too Roxas." She bent over me and I could now feel her breath.

"ROXAS!" I suddenly woke up with my brother's face above me. "You're going to miss the bus!" he said with an evil smile on his face. I pushed my brother out of my room. "Hey! Don't touch-" *Slam* "I'm going to tell mom!" he yelled while he ran away.

I looked at my phone to see what time it was. "Oh fuck! It's 7:13!" I only had 15 minutes to eat breakfast, get dressed and brush my teeth. I had done it before, I can do it again. I took some yoghurt in a glass and drank it while getting dressed. Then I ran to the bathroom and brushed my teeth. "Bye mom!" I yelled while putting on my shoes. "Bye honey!" I slammed the door and ran down the stairs and towards the bus stop. I came there just in time.

* * *

"Hi Roxas" I turned around to see my best friend, Axel. A red-haired tall guy who does nothing on his spare time than play video games. But, he has always been there for me. And I actually think he likes me. And I mean liiiiiiikes me. He always looks at me in the I-want-you-in-my-bed-tonight way.

"Hi Axel" My voice sounded surprisingly sad.

"What's wrong?" he asked with his dark voice.

"Nothing" I couldn't talk to him about my love life. It would just feel wrong and uncomfortable.

"Oh. Ok."

We could see our mentor, Merlin, walk towards the classroom while carrying his bag as always. "Time for English!" he shouted and everybody ran to the classroom like they were being chased by a lion.

"Today we'll start working on some grammar." Everybody sighed. "Yes, yes I know. Nobody likes grammar. Not even me! But we still have to do it." Everybody still didn't want to work with it, but they still agreed to it of course.

"Oh god! That was so boring!" Olette (my extremely smart friend) said after the lesson. Me, Olette, Hayner and Pence are usually together. Olette is the smart one, Hayner the leader and bossy one and Pence the wise and fluffy one. And I. I'm just me.

"Wow. Is that really you talking Olette?" Pence said with a smile on his face.

"It's grammar! Nothing is more boring than grammar!" she answered with a frowning face.

"Exactly!" I screamed maybe a bit too high. I turned back to my open locker. "So, what do we have now?"

"Math." they all answered at the same time.

* * *

11:30. End of chemistry and time for lunch. We walked to the canteen, but I didn't feel like eating anything. My appetite just disappeared. Gone. All I took was a glass of milk. I could feel my belly starting to rumble, but I just ignored it. _I can survive this. I've done it before._

"Hey Roxas" Olette whispered to me.

"Hm?"

"Axel's looking at you again."

"And that surprises you?" Hayner said.

I elbowed him in the stomach and you could see it hurt. "Shut up." I said with a cold voice.

I like Axel. But I don't like him in that romantic way that he does. It just feels wrong imagine being together with him. Hugging him. Kissing him. I shook my head. _No. That's gross._

I then started thinking about yesterday. About Namine (the girl I confessed to). About my life. About how I don't want to live any more. I just don't understand why nobody likes me. Everybody just wants those douche bags who treats their partner like their some kind of toy you play with for a while, to later just throw away.

_I don't get people._

* * *

"Mom! I'm home" No answer. I took of my jacket and went searching for mom. _Of course she's not home. She's in the city. _She always spends all of her money and saves nothing for me. The only one who gives me money is my grandfather. If I want a game, he buys it. If I want some clothes, he buys it. If I just want money, he gives it to me. Plus, he is the wisest man I have ever known.

I walked into my room and stayed there the rest of the evening. After a couple of hours mom came home. "Knock knock" she said with her soft voice.

"Yes?"

"Have you eaten anything?"

"Yes." I lied. I hadn't eaten anything but breakfast. The problem was that my appetite still didn't come back. I didn't feel like eating. Actually, I didn't feel like doing anything except using my phone. Instagram is my life now a days. First thing when I wake up and the last thing before I go to sleep. I got a new follower. _Yay I guess._

The time just kept running and before I knew it, it was 01:30. I wasn't even tired. I put on some music and just lay there thinking. Again.

_Would anyone miss me? Does somebody even care for me?_

**Meanwhile in another house, a red-haired boy hoped to be dear to his love interest.**


	3. Nightmare

_**AN: Just to make this clear. This story is based on my life. It's based on real action's that has happened in my life, and real person's (with some Kingdom Hearts personalities). I really wanted to make something out of it and this is the results.**_

_**That's it! Thank you so much for reading! It makes me really happy that some people actually enjoys it ^.^ Enjoy the rest!**_

**Nightmare**

"Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you!" _Please stop it. _"Happy birthday dear Roxas!" _I hate this _"Happy birthday to you!" _Oh thank god it's over._

"Thanks I guess" I said, still half awake. I started opening my presents. _Of course._ "Oh! Socks!" I said trying to sound happy and surprised. I think it worked.

"I thought you would be happy with not needing to go around with holes in your socks." mom said with that cheerful smile on her face. I couldn't just scream at her for not giving me anything that I really wanted with that pretty smile on her face right now. I had to be grateful for getting anything at all But of course, it's always good to have a lot of underwear.

The rest of the day was okay I guess. I was playing of the new games I got from grandpa. I gave him a list of things I wanted. He gave me everything from it. _Thanks mom..._

* * *

"Omg! That's hilarious!" I said while laughing at the same time. I had been talking to Axel on Skype the whole day. We didn't play the same game, but it was still fun talking to him as always.

"I know!" he said while concentrating not to fall out of his chair. "So, for how long have we talked now?"

I opened up Skype and looked at what the timer said. "Woah! 8 hours straight! It's a new record!"

"Let's make it 12!" he said with his evil voice.

"Fuck yeah!" I said, almost screaming it.

"Hey hey! Take it easy man! You don't have to make me deaf you know?"

"Sorry, sorry... Just got a bit excited." Then, awkward silence.

"Soooooo..." Axel said. "How has your birthday been?"

"Uhm... Good I guess. Waiting for mom to get home so I'll get my sushi and it'll be even better!"

Silence. "Sushi? Seriously? That's gross dude!"

"Hey! You can't say something like that when you haven't even tried it yet!"

Silence, again. "Yeah, yeah..."

* * *

"Hey" *yawn* "Axel?"

He couldn't resist to yawn either. "Yes Roxas?"

"12 hours now. CAN I GO TO FUCKING SLEEP NOW?!" I was really tired so I did have an excuse to scream in his ear this time. I could barely keep my eyes open right now. It would not be long until I fell asleep at my table right now.

"Okay, sure. Just leave me" a yawn again "here all alone" I could almost hear him snore.

"Just go to sleep Axel! Good night." I said to later hang up. This was an exhausting day. I luckily won't be here next year if my life continues like this. If my heart keeps being broken like this, and nobody there to fix it.

_Somebody. Please, just save me._

* * *

A bright light. _Where am I? Why am I in school?_

"Hey Roxas!" the blond little girl said while walking around the corner towards me. "Have you met Terra?" A brunette, muscular boy came right behind her. Holding hands.

I could feel my legs tremble, enough to make me fall to the ground. _No. Not one of them. _I could feel my tailbone aching. _This can't be true._

Then reality hit me like a slap in the face.

A bit of light escaped through my blinds and lightened up my whole room. I still didn't feel enough rested. I never did with all of these nightmares haunting me every night. It became torture just sleeping now a days.

I got up and went out of my room. _Next stop, the bathroom._

After doing my daily bathroom routine, I went to the fridge to make myself some breakfast. It stank mould, as always. Mom always buys unnecessary food that no one eats and just lets it mould inside the fridge, creating an awful odour. I really didn't feel like eating, so I just closed the fridge.

_Sooo... What now? _I asked myself.

The rest of the morning I just sat paralysed in front of my TV in my bed until I had to go to the bus. The bus stop was like 50 meters away from our apartment. I could go to the bus 5 minutes before it arrived. I had to admit, it was pretty comfy.

When I arrived at school, I was of course greeted by my friends.

"Hi Axel" My voice got drowned in by my belly's rumble.

"Woah! Didn't you eat any breakfast today?"

"Well, I wasn't hungry..." I said a bit ashamed.

"But you sure sound like you are now!" he said while showing off his cutest smile. I had to say, he was pretty cute when he smiled like that.

"Whatever! Just let me go get my stuff at least."

I decided to sit with Axel and his friends today for a change. The problem is, I really didn't like Axel's friends. There was Demyx, a dirty-blond, hyper boy who screams like a girl all the time. All. The. Time. And he can't sit still. Apparently he's really fun gaming with, so I get why Axel's with him then.

Then we have Xion. A black short-haired, quiet and weird girl. She and I have some history. Before I came to this school, I had a crush on her. When I went to my old school, Twilight Town High School, I was bullied. Then I met Xion on the fencing club I trained on. She was mysterious and interesting talking to. Of course, I had to get a crush on her.

I then went over to my Radiant Garden High School and I was able to start in her class. We became pretty close to each other. One day I felt that I had to tell her about my feelings for her. 2 days later she answered _I'm sorry. I just can't feel when love comes. Or any feelings at all. _After that, she became really weird. I quit being with her and went over to Hayner and his gang. At least they where pretty normal.

"What did you do this weekend?" the dirty-blond boy asked.

"Hehe. Me and Roxas talked for 12 hours straight." Axel answered with a smirk on his face.

"Hey Axel. Why do we keep creating wars?" she said so quiet that you could barely hear her.

_Now she's at it again..._


	4. Surrounded by Morons

_**AN: I'm sorry... But I think I'm going to quit this story... I don't think anyone actually likes it so yeah... This might be the last chapter, just so you know it.**_

_**And I noticed some error's in my earlier chapter's like the breaking lines, so I've updated them now just so you know!**_

**Surrounded by morrons**

"Hey Axel. Why do we keep creating wars?" she said so quiet that you could barely hear her.

_Now she's at it again... _I thought to myself while releasing a sigh.

She always says these weird stuff in a really quiet voice. It's really annoying. She always says something like "_Why am I so weird? Why do people always stare at me like that? Why do we __have__ fish__es__?" _I'm just waiting for her to ask us why we even breath and live.

Axel just went with his regular answer. "I don't know" and a shrug with his shoulders

The lesson was religion. I. Hate. Religion. And our teacher, Xaldin, is so boring. And he has these ridiculously high expectations of us. I barely have an E in his subjects. And nobody likes him. The lesson's are so boring and all we do is watch this boring power point by some dude who don't even know what he's been writing about.

Guess what I did all the time. Yup! Listened to music and checked instagram. My regular lesson's with this guy. I posted a great cosplay of a human version of spongebob.

#cosplay #spongebob #squarepants #cool #funny

I already got a few likes. Well, that's what you get when you spend your time gaming and being on instagram. _What have my life become? _I asked myself while starring out the window like some deep poetic person.

The rest of the lesson's was okay I guess. Math. English. I've started to skip the lunch though. Now I just take a glass of milk.

"No lunch? Again?" Axel asked with a bit of concern in his voice.

"Not hungry. And my stomach hurts." I answered with a cold voice.

"That's because you haven´t eaten! Got it memorized?" he said with a deep voice while pointing his finger to his head.

"Hey!" the dirty-blond boy almost screamed. "You haven't said that for like a week!" I thought about it and it was actually true.

"Didn't need to before now" Axel answered with that "sexy" smirk.

_Dammit! Don't think like that! You don't like him that way! You're just friends! _I screamed to myself inside my head and mentally slapped myself.

While everybody else was eating, I looked around and investigated the other people. We have bimbo, douche bag, weirdo, gamer, emo and who can forget, the nerds. If you looked around, I think 80% of the population in this school is bimbos and douche bags. I'm with the gamers, nerds and weirdos.

While I looked around I caught Axel watching me again. Of course, he turned his head when he saw that he was caught. He then started coming into the conversation. But even though I wasn't interested and knew what he was talking about, he looked at me a few times with an unusually happy face, to later turn back to the other boys. _Yeah, he totally likes me._

Suddenly I could hear someone sing near the table. I looked around and realised it was actually Demyx. He had started playing his music out loud without headphones and started to sing to it. And let me tell you! He is a HORRIBLE singer! He really likes music and that's why it's so annoying when he starts playing it out loud and he of course has to start singing! _Okay, I can't stand this fucking shit._

"I'm going back to my locker" I said and took my plate to go leave it.

"I'm done too, so I'll come with you!" Axel said and rushed after me.

_Pfft yeah, of course you will._

We left our dishes and just when I stepped outside, I just had to slip. I could already feel the pain in my ass. Except, it didn't come.

"Got'cha" I looked up to see that Axel had wrapped his hand around my arm to catch me in the last second. He was smiling so hard that you almost couldn't see his eyes anymore.

I got up and gave him an awkward smile. "Th-thanks" I could feel my cheeks get redder and redder for every second.

"C'mon, let's go back" he said and started walking back to the main building of the school.

The rest of the day was pretty awkward. I couldn't sit or talk to Axel. I was to embarrassed to even look at him. I felt guilty for some reason, but I couldn't understand why. I could also feel this need for a touch. To feel Axel touch me again. I could feel this burning feeling on my arm and the need for more. It was like a drug. You just want more once you start with it.

But of course, this could not happen again.

* * *

"Oh god I'm bored!" I said while throwing my controller at the bed.

Then, this brilliant idea popped up into my head. I walked into the bathroom and opened Sora's cabinet and started searching for the bottle. Except there was about 12 of them. I took all of them and hid them in my room under the bed. He would never find them there. Now it was just to wait.

* * *

"ROOOOOOXAAAAAS!" I could hear someone stomp towards my room with some heavy and angry steps.

*Slam* And there stood my little brother in his brown, straightened hair. Yes. It was flat. The only reason why he has spiky hair is because of me. My hair spikes up naturally.

But one day when Sora was 5 he rushed to my room and said "Look Roxas! Now I have spiky hair like you!" Mom had sprayed his hair up to spikes. It was a bit overdone compared to my hair, but he liked it so he kept that hairstyle. So, the things I hid under my bed was his hairspray. Every single bottle of them.

"DIDYOUSTEALMYHAIRSPRAYICANTFINDITANDITHINKYOUDIDITOMG!" he said and I could barely understand what he was saying.

"Okay, okay. Calm down dude. One word at a time." I said with this unusual calm voice.

"Well, I just took a shower, and when I had dried my hair and was going to spike it I couldn't find any of my hairspray! And I swear you took it!" he said and pointed at me so close that I could bite his finger off.

"Nope! Wasn't me! But I think I saw a turtle that was riding on a tiger take it" I answered while grinning.

"Yeah, yeah. Sure. Where are they?" He started searching and turning my room upside-down, but he couldn't find them.

"Hey! Take it easy! I just cleaned in here" I said and gesticulated to my bed.

He literately threw himself on the floor and grabbed all of his bottles and walked out of the room.

"Mom! Roxas stole my hairsprays again!" he screamed while running to the bathroom to make sure I didn't take them again before he fixed his hair.

_Fucking moron._


	5. Cinema of Fate

_**AN: Uhm... Hello! Again. Well, last AN I said I was going to dump this shit. But here's the thing. My boyfriend always reads this and corrects it and he got very upset at me when I said I was going to quit it. And let's just say that he (and a few others) convinced me to continue this. So I'm going to continue this fanfic! Yay? **_

_**Enjoy!**_

**Cinema of Fate**

"So yeah. I've been rejected a few times now and I don't think I can handle any more. And I don't want to live any more, so I barely eat anything now a days." I said while looking down at the ground and feeling a bit ashamed.

"Look Roxas, you can't just quit your life because some girl rejected you again. You have to get over it!" my friend Aqua said. A pretty, tall woman who has short blue hair (and I am so jealous of it!).

We had decided to go see Iron Man 3 a few weeks back. I had been excited for this day since I heard that there was going to be a sequel. Aqua also brought her friend Ventus. He actually looked exactly like me. You could think that we were twins.

On our way to the cinema, Aqua noticed that something was wrong and we went to this park in the city so that I could explain to them why.

"But" she continued. "I know it's not that easy to forget someone like that, except I know you will."

If I was going to tell the truth, I didn't. I don't want to feel better. I don't want to get over her and everybody else. I just want to give up right here and now.

"And Roxas? Can you promise me one thing?" she asked with a soft voice. I looked up to her with this sad face. "Start to eat again. I really don't want you to starve yourself to death."

I sighed and thought about it. _Maybe she was right._

"Okay. I promise." I answered, not knowing if I could keep that promise for very long.

"So" Ventus stood up and said. "Are we gonna go to the cinema now? It starts in 20 minutes."

I jumped off the swing that I was clinging on to and we started to head towards the cinema. It only took about 5 minutes to walk there.

This evening would have been perfect, if it weren't for this certain person. We were right outside the cinema, and there, I could see this blond girl with a short, white dress. _No. Please, not now._ I couldn't really decide if it was her, or not. She walked into the cinema with her friend, and when she turned around, I could confirm that it was her.

My mind went pitch black and my body started to crumble.

"Roxas? Is something wrong?" I could hear Aqua ask me, but I was to shocked to answer her.

_At this place. At this day. At this time, she has to be here?_ I could still hear Aqua ask me about what was wrong, but I couldn't answer. Nothing came out of me.

"Sh-she's here" I whispered so quite that I could barely hear it myself.

"What?"

"She's here." A bit higher this time. "She's inside the cinema."

"Wait, who? Naminé? Okay, come here" Aqua said and pushed me around the corner so that I couldn't see her. I felt like going home and just jump out of my window with my head first.

*Slap* "Oww!" I screamed as I carefully touched my red and burning cheek. "What the fuck was that for?"

"It's now or never! You have two choices here. Either you go home like a little pussy, or you go out there and face your fear! You didn't want you and that just means there has to be someone else out there looking for you." I haven't seen Aqua this angry before. You could see her inner monster.

I took a deep breath and started to walk into the cinema (again). This time, I wasn't going to chicken out. _Okay, Roxas. Take it easy. Deep breaths. Deep breaths, _Aqua had taken out our tickets a few days ago, so we just went searching for a bench to wait.

I heard someone coming to sit behind us. I turned around to see Naminé and her friend sit right there. Aqua noticed that I got a bit nervous so she started chatting with me. It was really hard to just ignore her, but then one of their workers went to the salon to take our tickets. I could see that Naminé also stood up and started following us. _Seriously! Couldn't you have gone to see a chick-flick our something?!_

I didn't say a thing during the whole film. I don't think I even made a different face. The movie was good (I think). I didn't catch all of the scenes. Was to busy being in chock you know.

"Are you okay?" Aqua asked with a worried face.

"Not really"

It was quite for a few minutes.

"Anyone hungry?" Ventus asked trying to cheer everyone up.

I remembered my promise to Aqua and decided to be honest with them. "I am! I'm starving actually!"

"So" Aqua started. "Where do you guys wanna eat?"

"Sushi!" Ventus screamed out so the whole town could hear us.

"But, it takes so long. How about Subway?" I asked and could already feel the warm bread with chicken breast and melted cheese on top of it. I wiped away a bit of drool slipping out of my mouth.

_Okay. First bite._ I took an enormous bite of my sub. I could feel all the flavours dance on my tongue and my stomach actually appreciating my choice of food.

"Oh god! This is so good!" I said before I had even swallowed the bite. "I never should have quit eating!" I could see Aqua get really happy.

After we had eaten our subs we separated to our bus stops.

_God what an annoying day._

"Do you know if he's awake?" mom asked. We sat in the car and mom and Sora was going to some boring fare. I decided to go to Axel's place and hang there.

"No. He wasn't online on Skype, but he should be awake by now." I looked at my phone to see what time it was. _11:34. Yeah, he should be awake._

"Give me a call if he's not there" she said as she parked the car outside of his apartment.

"Yeah, yeah" I said and stepped outside of the car. I slammed the door behind me and started to walk up the stairs to reach Axel's door. I ringed the bell. No answer. I waited 30 seconds and rang the bell again. No answer. _Is it broke or something?_ This time I knocked. Still no answer.

I gave up and sat down on the floor outside of his door. I took up my phone and checked Skype. He still wasn't online. _Oh well. Guess I'll just sit here and wait until he wakes up._ I sent a text to mom saying he was awake. No way I was going to a fucking fair with them.

I looked at the phone. _12:41. How the fuck can he sleep for this long?_ I could hear the birds tweet. It was a really nice weather today. The sun was shining and it was barely a cloud on the sky.

I could hear the door unlock. A head stuck out from the side of the door.

"How long have you been here?" Axel asked carefully. You could see he was really ashamed.

"About an hour or so" I said as I stood up. My legs where so weak for sitting still this whole time.

"Sorry" he said and opened the door to let me in. I took of my clothes and saw a dark shadow at the end of the hall.

"Hi Milo!" I said and bent down. I reached my hand out. The cat came towards me and stroke his head against my hand. "Haven't seen you in a while."

"He likes you" Axel said. "He's very shy, he barely does that to anyone. Got it memorized?" Axel did slick point at the side of his head.

I smiled and stood up again. "Left4Dead 2?" I asked and looked at him with my puppy-eyes.

He nodded and we rushed up to his room.

"To the left!" Axel screamed. I turned the player to aim at the zombies. We were cooperating as always. I took care of the mouse and aimed the guns and Axel moves the player. Our collaboration worked surprisingly well.

"Okay" I said and shot a headshot.

"Nice!" he shouted and lifted his hand. I let go of the mouse and gave him his high-five. When I then turned back I saw that 4 zombies popped up from nowhere and killed me in 2 seconds.

"Damn" I said and smacked my hand in my forehead.

"Good work anyway" Axel said and hit me in the back. It wasn't like these usual hit guys do to each other. It was more like a pat.

"Oh, and by the way! I have to tickets to the cinema! I can go see any movie I like. So, wanna go see a movie today?" I could see that he was ready to kiss my ass if it made me come with him.

"Yeah, sure! What movie are we gonna see?"

"I don't know. Are there any good ones going right now?" He opened up the browser on his computer and checked what movies that was showing. "Chick-flick, chick-flick, drama, Iron man. We can see Iron man!"

"Well, I saw it yesterday with some friends." Then I thought about. _Maybe I should go see it again. Forget the old memories and make new ones._ "But I can watch it again" I later answered.

"Yay! So it starts at 3pm. Wanna go there now so we don't miss it?"

"Sure!" I said and went up from the chair to go get my clothes on.

"That was a-fucking-mazing!" Axel said while almost jumping around. _Guess he liked it._

This time I actually managed to concentrate at the movie. It was fun for once. I took on my raincoat and regretted it the moment we got out of the cinema. The clock was about half past five and the sun was about to go down. The wind went right through my jacket.

"Hey" Axel looked at me. "You cold?"

"N-no" I said and noticed that I had started hacking teeth.

"Here" he said and started to take off his jacket.

"No, no, no. I'm fine. I can handle it." I took a few steps away from him so that he couldn't offer it to me.

We continued walking to the central bus stop.

"That's enough!" Axel said and took off his jacket without hesitating and put it around my shoulders. I accepted it and took it on like it's supposed to be. It was way to big for me. Since Axel was about one head longer than me, he had a much bigger size on his clothes. Our length differences was absurd despite we are the same gender and age.

"Th-thanks" I said and I could already feel a bit warmer. This was just like those romantic movies where the guy offers the girl his jacket because she's cold. _What __is__ Olette going to say about this._

"Today w-was fun." I continued and gave him an awkward smile.

"Yeah!" I looked at him and didn't see him shivering a single bit.

"How the f-fuck can you not freeze right now?!"

"Pfft, I never freeze. I'm hot you know" he said and almost gave me a wink. I could feel that he wanted to.

I turned around and saw Axel's bus coming around the corner. I took off the jacket and gave it back to him. "Thanks!"

"No problem dude! See you at school on Monday?"

"Of course! See ya!" I ended it and went to my bus.

I couldn't get that jacket thing out of my head that evening.

And for the first time in a long time, I felt happy.


	6. Message to Your Feelings

_**AN: I am so sorry for not uploading any new chapters! I've been extremely busy with exams these last months and birthdays and god knows what. I can't promise I'll update more often now, but I'll definitely try!**_

**Message to Your Feelings**

"He is so into you!" Olette squealed out loud so that everyone in the whole classroom could hear it.

"Shhhh! Shut up! And no, he's not. We're just friends", I lied to myself while shocking looking around if somebody heard it. Of course I know he's into me. Everyone could tell.

"But it's just like in every romantic movie! The girl's cold, the guy gives her his jacket and then" *clap* "they kiss" she ended with a grin on her face.

"She's right" Pence added. "It happens every time."

"So, you're telling me I'm the girl in this case?" I asked and threatened Pence with my pen against his throat while giving him my evil eye.

He slowly started standing up. "Nooooo..." Then he sprinted away. "Yes!"

*Sigh* "I'm too tired to go after him."

"Still having trouble sleeping?" Olette asked with that worried expression on her face.

"Yeah. Think I got able to sleep 7 hours tonight though."

"Thank you!" I turned around and saw the owner of the angel-like voice that stole all of my attention.

"Look" Olette started. "You have to get over her Roxas. It wasn't meant to be you two so just accept it! There are plenty more fishes in the sea."

"Yeah, yeah. I know" I ended the conversation with and went to continue with my phone.

I took on my headphones and started blasting "Fall out Boy" in my ears. _Heaven to my ears I tell you. _I started stomping my foot to the chair to the beat of the music.

"_I'm going to make you bend and break. Say a prayer but let the good times roll."_

"Roxas" I could see Olette say. I pretended I couldn't hear her (which I actually couldn't).

"_One night and one more time. Thanks for the memories. Even though they weren't so great."_

"Roxas!" she now almost screamed while bumping her shoulder into me.

I took off my headphones with this really mean look on my face. "What?!"

"Mr Gainsborough?" I looked up to see my math teacher, Saïx, who stared right through my soul. "Why aren't you concentrated to my lessons?"

"I-I'm sorry sir. It will not happen again" I said and tried to sound as polite as I could.

"Good. So, anyone else that feels like getting extra homework?" he continued without even moving a muscle in his face. I could feel how embarrassed I became.

The picture of the whole class staring at me like I was some kind of freak popped up again. I could feel my breathing getting faster and faster, my face getting all pale like a vampires and my stomach turning itself upside down. _I have to get out of here. _I walked out of the classroom and tried to look as calm as possible. I locked myself into one of the toilets and started to hyperventilate. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't concentrate on anything. All of my thoughts became a big blur. Everything in my head just went black. Pitch black.

* * *

After about 10 minutes I could finally feel my breath coming back to a normal pace. I went back to the classroom, looking as "calm" as before.

"Where were you?" Olette asked after I had taken my seat again.

I hesitated on telling her the truth, but what could happen since she already knows about my sleeping problem. "Panic attack" was all I said before I put on my headphones and started working again.

I opened up my math book and started to read the equation. _X-4=5. Nine, _I solved without even writing it down. I thought about writing it down anyways in case Saïx was watching. Except, I couldn't. My hands had started shaking as an aftereffect of the panic attack. I squeezed my hands together in a pointless try to make it stop.

At the corner of my eye I could see something as red as fire coming towards me. "`Sup?" Axel asked and slammed his book on the desk beside me.

"Axel!" Saïx roared over the classroom.

"Sorry, sorry", he replied while putting his hands up in a defensive way.

I rapidly put my hands beneath the table to make sure that Axel didn't see my shaking hands. I didn't feel like troubling him with this. "Solving some equation. Like were supposed to be", I said and nodded towards his book. I could still feel how my hands were forcibly shaking.

"And why do you think I came here?" he said and winked at me while raising his eyebrows.

Since Saïx is busy with the students that has a bit more problem with math, most of the others that needs help comes to me. Except Axel. He just came for a chat and maybe that's what I needed right now to calm down.

"Still giving up on math, huh?" I asked.

"Don't tell me you were expecting me to actually try and solve a math problem. Not worth it dude. Not worth it." He leaned back and stretched out his legs and relaxed his head on his hands in a relaxed pose. I could see him glance at my book to see where I was. "What?! You're on 67 already?!" he said and suddenly leaned over it with his eyes open wide.

"Axel!" Saïx roared again.

"Yeah, yeah", he replied and put his hands up again. "Do you work like 3 hours at home or what?" he asked me and ignored Saïx's warning.

"No, I'm just the math-genius of the school." I looked at him and we both burst out in laughter.

I looked down to check if my hands were still shaking, but finally they had calmed down a bit. I put my hands on the table and took up my pen. _4 + 2x = 12. Four._

* * *

"_I can feel you all around me. Thickening the air I'm breathing. Holding on to what I'm feeling. Savoring this heart that's healing." _I took of the headphones as I entered my room. I had this tinnitus feeling in my ear. _I should really be careful with the volume._ I lied to myself. Of course I'm going to keep blasting it until my lungs pops out.

I threw my bag on the bed and my jacket at the chair. I took up my phone and started the internet on it, since we don't have any Wi-Fi. The first thing I did was opening up Skype of course. _Damn, I wish I had a computer._ After I had taken off my shoes, I threw myself at the pillow. Felt good to finally lay down for a while.

*Ding* I took up my phone to see what it was. _"'Sup?" _It was from Axel. Obviously, not that I didn't mind

"_Just came home"_

"_Sounds nice"_

"_Yeah. Really fun to come home to the psycho -.-"_

"_Good luck ;)"_

"_And the freaking bus driver didn't stop so I had to walk from the next one! Fucking hate bus drivers!"_

"_Dude, my mom's one."_

"_Oh right. Sorry. But it wasn't her! I think….."_

"Roxas! Come here!" my mom yelled at me.

"_GTG. BRB."_

I stepped out from my room and started walking towards the living room. Before I had even taken 3 steps I felt how something pierced right through my foot."Oww! Dammit Sora! Leave me and my feet alone!" I shouted as high as I could. I reached down to my foot to take out the push pins my brother had accidently "dropped" outside of my door. "Fucking monster. I'll kill him one day", I mumbled while I flinched for every pin I took out.

After taking out the pins I continued my dangerous journey through the apartment. I now looked carefully for every step I took. You could never know what traps Sora had placed. When I finally reached the living room, I could see my mom sitting there with her phone. As always. "Yeah? What is it?" I asked her and tried to sound a bit irritated because of my brother.

"Look. You need to start helping out here at home. I can't take care of everything here, because of my sickness."

*Sigh* _Not this again._

"Why don't you just ask Sora to help you out too?" I asked and pointed at my retarded little brother. He pointed out his tongue to me, but of course my dear mother didn't notice it.

"Well, he's doing a lot of things here already."

"Yeah? Like what? Laying stuff all around the apartment that I always step on so that you can get me out of this place?"

"Roxas! Stop talking about your brother like that! He's having a hard time right now and I want you to come along."

"Mom, we'll never come along. You know that."

I could see how her sickness started making her upset. "Roxas, I try my best to make you and Sora happy. You are the most important things to me, but nothing ever satisfies you! Both of you boys hurt me so much when you're acting like this. I-", she started but had to take a deep breath. "I can't do this anymore." She stood up and rushed to lock in herself on the bathroom, like she always does.

I just ignored her like I always do and started walking back to my own room. I could hear the music still playing. _Damn that woman. _I checked to see if Axel had written anything else.

"_Hey, bro! Where did you go?"_

I looked at the clock and noticed that I had been gone for about 10 minutes. _"Seriously? You can't live without me for 10 minutes?"_

"_Nope!" _he answered before I had even locked my phone. _This guy deserves a facepalm._ I thought for myself.

* * *

*Gasp* I had woken up in the middle of the night again, all sweaty and with heavy breathing. I sat up and tried to calm myself down. Of course, it didn't work. _I don't want to do this anymore. Someone please, just end my misery. _I could feel the tears starting to come. I didn't try to hold it back. The tears just continued flooding down and it didn't stop. It had started becoming harder to sleep with all of these "nightmare" or whatever you would call them.

I stood up and started walking to my desk and pulled out the drawer. I looked at the razor blades that I had taken from mom so I could cut my own hair. I took one up and tried to cut a part of my hair to see if it still was sharp. It cut through the hair like a knife through a banana. _Still sharp. Still very sharp._

I gently put the blade on the inside of my arm, below the wrist. The thought of blood running down my arm and dripping down on the floor hit me. I could already feel how the sharp, cold blade cut through my pale skin. I bit my under lip and felt how a bit of skin came between my teeth. I ripped it off and flinched by the sudden pain. _That hurt enough, _I thought to myself and put the blade inside the drawer. I was still too afraid of the pain to do it.

My hands started to shake as I closed the drawer. I went back to my bed and sat down on it. That "deep breath" thing did not work at times like these. I took up my phone and connected it to my little speaker I had in my bookcase. _"I am wasted loosing time. I'm a foolish, fragile spine. I want all that is not mine. I want him, but we're not right. In the darkness I will meet my creators. _My pulse started to finally slow down. The deep breaths started to work. _Everything becomes fine, just with a little music._

I laid down and hugged my pillow. Then the tears came again.

* * *

It had taken about half an hour to completely calm down. The alarm actually rang today and at the right time, which really surprised me. The bus came at the exact right time too. Maybe it was actually going to be a good day.

I took up my phone while sitting on the bus on the way to school. Of course, the first thing I opened up was Instagram. _Like. Like. Oh! Lamas! Like. _After checking all of the new photos I decided to check if anyone had changed their mood messages on Skype. Only one had. Axel. _"I feel that the relationship between me and my crush isn't going any further."_ My face became as white as my phone.

_Well, the good day thought was worth a try._


End file.
